Collection

Here’s something I’ve learnt,

And, my dear, I hope you learn so too.

When people say cut them out, leave them, they’re toxic, they’re hurting you

They’re nothing but a negative wave of pain, spitting salty grief into your lungs. Their lips may land on yours but don’t expect a breath of purity. Expect that suffocation.

Well, they’re right.

You should leave.

But you should know this also, because no one ever warned me.

When you leave, things may be better, but your heart won’t be.

You may be able to breathe again, but there will be holes in your lungs where those people once were. Without their plug, each sigh of relief will turn cold, and, you question, is it truly relief when there’s an empty chill trapped within?

So, no,

It may be as easy as it seems to breathe again, to drain the poison they filled you with.

But don’t ever think it was easy to rip your plug out of my lungs.

Because being empty isn’t as glorious as they make it out to be.

----

It never, for a second, felt completely right.

But god.

It felt so damn right to try to make it that way.

---

When I first left,

I opened everything.

My vulnerability was a sheep and suddenly your eyes turned yellow like a wolf.

You devoured my meaning

And I was obsessed that you were hungry for it.

But how I was foolish

For thinking that my meaning would taste so sweet on your tongue.

You held my jaw

You kissed my lips

And then

You’d look me in the eye and spit out my meaning in disgust like a chunk of salty phlegm.

So don’t tell me

You respect it

Because when I kiss you back

And when I taste it on your tongue

I realise how sickening it is too

And fuck,

How I regret unlatching those gates

To let you chew my special meanings

And steal the flavour completely

Before shoving it back into my chest, dripping with your poisoning saliva

And leaving me completely bland.

---

There was one night

I sat on your lap

And you held my wrists

The silence fell over us like the sheet you were lying on

And I wonder

If I had leaned over to plant my lips on yours in that moment

Would you still look at me at the end of the table that one night with the virulent pity

You bestowed upon my reputation remorselessly

Or would you have sat by my side

And realised I wasn’t okay either.

---

I hope you enjoy the profound blessing of fake beauty you bought.

I hope you enjoy upholding the shallow right to disregard, to disrespect the less pretty faces.

I hope it truly makes your eyes shine brighter, your teeth whiter, your skin smoother, your hair softer.

I just hope you’re happy trading that

For the eyes that brightened when watching you perform your passions

For the teeth that would expose with the smile, just from hearing about what made you happy.

For the skin that would hold yours whenever you’d doubt the shell you’d hidden yourself under.

For the hair that you’d breathe in when the sick depression of winter’s night would brighten into a promising, fulfilling summer’s day.

----

Admitting the problem

Is not the same

As fixing it.

Don’t you dare tell me that what you’re doing is unfair

And continue to torture me anyway.

----

It was no surprise that you never fell for me.

And I was so okay with that.

I was not okay

That you lied about how you felt anyway.

How dare you ruin my self-esteem like that.

Fuck you for conditioning me to believe

That the only boys that will ever say ‘I love you’

Are the boys that love what I have to offer

But will leave as soon as I gut myself for them.

---

Here’s a thing about selfish people

Validation is a drug

To the voices of insecurity

Circling around their brain like a Ferris wheel

And they will do anything

To stop the ride

What I don’t know about selfish people

Is whether they choose to set up a carnival of self-hatred in your own mind

So you know how it feels

To have a never-ending summer

Of screams

And people begging to get off the ride

Or if

They have been conditioned to believe

That trespassing into your mind

Is okay

Because someone else

Thought it was okay to do so

In their minds too.

---

If he doesn’t see himself

As your Prince Charming

Then let him believe that

Even if you know he has the potential to be so

Because if he really wanted to be

He would be

It’s as simple as that.

---

I didn’t look at him.

I didn’t acknowledge, for a second, that he meant anything.

I glanced at him the same way I’d do so for a stranger.

But I gave him the physical privilege, at least

Of truly becoming that.

Because there was nothing more torturous than being looked at in the same way by him

Though he promised me I was the most important person.

It’s like

A lion salivating, licking its lips, baring its teeth at you

Saying that it won’t hurt you.

---

I think

What hurts most

Is that I believed you were so much better

That you could be

And you punished me for thinking that.

And it hurts

That even today

I still can’t force out my beliefs

As easily as you abused them.

---

When I ran into that little boy

It both swelled me with loving innocence

And haunting pity

That someday

His mind would be tampered

To look at a girl like me

And think of things more sickening

Than the games he played at kinder that day.

---

To be ladylike

Is not a manner of acting civilised

It has a root of underlying protection

To be manlike

Is to be however they please

To feed however they like

To be ladylike

Is to clench legs together

To disguise the existence of the things men hunger for

To be prude

And conceal the same fantasies men express

For to voice such pleasures is to be regarded as filth

Bodily functions are not funny

Nor natural

And must not be spoken of

Because though it might be seen as so normal for a man

A woman is turned to disgust

At the very mention of such inherent existing processes of life.

Feminism to me

Is regarding women as simply

Human.

To not be above man

To not be regarded as special

But normal

To be pulled out of their mothers with the announcement of their gender

Without their fathers vowing to protect them

Without their mothers fearing for their future.

To have smiles gleaming

Without worry nor fear

Feminism

Is expelling words that exist purely for the degrading promotion of women’s reputations

Slut, whore, bitch, skank

To not shame what boys are praised for

And likewise

To not degrade boys for what girls are encouraged for

Gender

Is purely a label

Interchangeable

Flexible

To be a feminist

Is to break the rules

Those that are so unfairly

Thrust onto girls’ future

As soon as their vaginas are exposed outside of the womb

As soon as their chest buds

With fruits that boys salivate for

And I suppose such behavior is inherent

But if girls have to suppress

The innate impulses

Of farting, burping, spreading their legs apart to simply relax, sealing their lips about sex

Than why the fuck

Is it so overrated to condemn these natural behaviours of men

Just because they can’t hide their boners so well as we can hide our wetness.

----

Gaining you

Was the losing

Of Myself

-toxicity

-----

Does it scare you, I asked

The risks

How she could interpret it

Every time

Your fingers pull away her clothes?

It terrifies me, he replied

Nothing scares me more.

In saying that

It’s nowhere near as terrifying

As it is for her.